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Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

I did not write much lately. To be honest, I am not doing much – writing, playing an online game, taking care of my grandmother (who complains about anything I ever do, lol) and trying to find a nice stable job at least till my next surgery.

I had 3 job interviews last week. All were for a job of writer/copywriter/PR writer – mostly for assistant/junior position so I have a higher chance with my mouth and face as they are now.

Try 1

Monday was a horrible experience. I applied for an IT company based job. Knowing that I do not look good and that I have a lisp, I aimed for a not so well paid editor/redactor position for an online portal. I hoped that it does not matter that I still have some speech problems and do not look pleasantly, when its job where I only write from behind of the screen. How horribly wrong I was.

The company called me on friday evening, telling me that last date for an interview is monday morning. I had a lot of things to do (doc, my insurance stuff, some papers at different offices…), so I asked them if there is not another date possible. At that moment, they clearly must know that I talk somehow weirdly and I told them that I am post-op, but they still insisted they would like to meet. I spent rest of the day rearanging stuff and planning a 3 hour travel on monday morning.

I slept 3 hours, took the buses (3 busses, 3 hours of traveling, cost quite a lot if you are unemployed). Called them in the morning once again, because the HR woman forgot to send me instructions in which of the company buildings scattered across the city we have to meet. They again told me they are looking forward to meeting me and blah, blah, blah.

I came on time, sat and was waiting for her. She came late. She gave me a weird look, but I thought it was just my impression – I can be a little paranoid sometimes, especially when I am nervous about giving them a positive impression and this happens. She led me to her colleague for interview and stayed as a second interviewer. As I started talking, they exchanged a “meaningful” look, but stayed polite… the really artificial polite. I came there, gave them a good CV, showed them at least 4 printed articles and stories to prove that I can write and am an published author (honestly, my writing experience is above this kind of job, but I wanted it, because it would be easy job for me and I would not have to worry about my looks), even brought a finished piece in english to prove that I can help out as a translator with 2 foreign languages.

The interview lasted 15 minutes. They explained the position to me, I told them that I did something similar in my past job as part of my daily work… and they did not ask even only one more thing. Just nothing. Nothing about my past work, nothing about what else I can do… just nothing. Asked me if I want to ask something, so I gave them few work related questions and when it got to pay question, I told them that I value a good job over big money and would really want this job, because I love working with written texts.

I felt a lot of antipathy and sort of mocking in the way they talked to me. Polite, but anyway. At the end, they emphatized, that they have some other candidates as well. As I was leaving, I was sure they do not even think about hiring me.

Got a rejection letter the next day – short, blunt. Just a no, thanks, we decided that another candidate will be better.

Now, I know looks do matter, but why do I have to look like a model to get a job where I hide behind the computer screen and do not speak almost to anyone?! Honestly, I was really really hurt and totally discouraged from applying for any other job before my surgeries are over.

Try 2

Anyway, on wednesday, I got a phone call from different company that I applied for and they asked me nicely if I would be willing to write a sample press release for them. Of course I said yes and they sent me the theme and requirements. I did some research and finished the press release in about 6 hours. I sent it to them thursday morning and they called me after very short while and asked me if I want to come for interview with my “future boss”. I got a date for friday morning. I also empatized, that I am post-op and still have some speach problems, but they said they do not mind and are looking forward to meeting me. Yay!

Unexpected try 3

Thursday early afternoon: I got a phone call from a company I applied to some time ago and gave up on them interviewing me already. Anyway, they called me and we managed to arrange an interview at 16:00. Again, I emphatized that I am post-op.

The interview was very unpleasant. The interviewer was a perfect case of a skilled HR manager working for a huge company. Cold, giving a lot of trick questions. I was sure that everything he ever said was meant to “examine” me. In some of the sentences he used, I clearly heard almost exact sentences of one HR management book I red some time ago. He was super skilled and I am sure he is perfect for this job – yes. But at the same time, the interview was quite unpleasant. Anyway, it was unpleasant in totally different way than the monday one. After this one, I knew I am probably not getting the job either (I messed up few times in the interview), but I was not sure I want to do it anyway, the company did not feel too good to me, too big, too impersonal… but who knows.

Second part of try 2

I came for the last interview and the most promising one at the same time, because they already were pleased with the sample of my work, so I did not come just as a person, but as someone who did already show, that she can do the work. I was nicely surprised by a very personal type of receptionist. She was really nice and was not the model artificial type that I met in the other 2 companies. Another surprise came, when I realised that she was calling my “future boss” by name, not surname. Another thing that made me feel much better about the company. I do not know why, just a nice change from the cold professionality for once.

My “future boss” appeared to be a young man, not much older than myself. Nice, polite, enegic, but not superficial at all. I must say I really liked him from the first moment.

He explained about the work, asked things about where I worked before, about experience, expected pay and so. But since he is not one of these university graduated managers, he was much more personal and warm. I had really positive feeling about the interview. Again, he assured me that they care about my skills, not my lisp. I hope they meant it. ๐Ÿ™‚

He told me that we will get in contact this week, because he wants me to be sure that I want to do this job for a long time, not leaving after few weeks because I do not like what I write. Anyway, as long as they want me, I am theirs. This job could be very interesting, provide me a lot of new knowledge as part of my job and also let me do what I love the most – writing.

Now, I am waiting with crossed fingers. I hope that it will work out and they decide to hire me. ๐Ÿ™‚

PS: I think the best way of dealing with badly behaving people would be taking out a toilet plunger out of my bag and suck it in their face. ๐Ÿ™‚ย  It would not help, but damn would it feel good, lol.ย 

Rabbid plunger

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Ok, I met my friend from Japan and it seems that he is not against the idea of helping me with two of my crazy projects. The first one is still secret, but it is almost purely business oriented. I might start my own tiny company soon if things work out – as for now, it would be me full time and two part timers, one of them in Japan as our agent. The chance for success is small, but who knows… sometimes even a blind cat catches a mouse, right? Especially when it is armed with laser rifle and heat detection device… or has a vibro blade equipped mecha or… well, you get the point ๐Ÿ˜‰

The other crazy project is my movie script of course. My friend said he would help me translate it to Japanese, as their screenwriting formatting is different from European and American and could market it to few productions there. He also suggested me to write the main two characters as a double-role, but I do not like the idea. The main chars are so different it would be quite difficult to perform it believably, especially for a less experienced actor.

As for now, I am done with the outline more or less, so I started writing sort of synopsis. I have the main characters sketched, I have the world and it’s basic laws (yes, it is a normal modern world, just with something more behind what we, or the main char at the start, usually see). The story flows quite well. I can see, because I am getting flashes of scenes and dialogues, which I do not unless I am happy with the basics. I am also starting to sketch minor characters and some filler scenes.

This story is somehow difficult, because I want it to start as a comedy and then slowly shift to drama with an bittersweet end. I do not have any problem writing pure comedy or drama, but the crucial and most difficult part comes with merging them. It’s all about the timing and very accurate planning. The comedy can not just switch to drama quickly… and in the dramatic part, every piece of the comedial part must have a meaning and explanation. The “Oh, I see.. that is why they were doing it that way…” moment. I do not like useless gags. Also the comedial introduction of the characters must be long enough to make the viewer like the characters for what they are, but not bore them or keep them awake only on cliche’s. And once again, the transition must be slow building of the drama and smooth blurring from funny movie into something much much deeper.

Anyway, this story will be marketed directly to one special person in Japan (ok, ok, 2, but written with one in my mind as the main character) and I am writing the story and chars to fit them. At the start, I envisioned the person as one character, but it looks like he will fit the second one more, but I found out that if I change the start and POV a little, it works again as it should. (Oh, the drama… don’t I sound all secretive and dramatic and all just now? Give me a sec, I will don my dramatic satin cape and white half-mask. Oooohhh, the muuuuusic of the niiiiiight. Ehm… *cough cough *… forget it.)

I thought I would share at least something with you so here is one quote, which may, or may not be said during the ending. I hope you like it.

โ€œAnd as I was lying in blood, life escaping out of my body together with my blood pouring on the cold surface of the street, I got the most expensive gift I could ever receive. A pair of ruby wings torn from the fragile body of a crying angel. My miracle.โ€

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Ok, I got my hair chopped short yesterday. And with short, I mean VERY short. I did not have such short hair for at least 10 years, probably even more.

I ran to the hairdresser with a black and white picture of a haircut that I liked, but unfortunately, my hair is quite fine and that person had nice strong hair, so it was impossible to create on me without ton of layes of laque, styling foam and whatever, so we decided to improvise. I had two demands: I want it layered and fluffy and I do not want a blunt fringe.

When she started cutting it, it felt strange to have my hair chopped off short just in the middle of my neck, but it was about to get even shorter. So I sat there, watching her dance around me with all sorts of combs, scissors, razors and hairpins. Anyway, the result is not bad. Short, light, fluffy and messy. It can be combed back withย  the help of some styling products for formal events, but it needs almost no maintenance for everyday wear. I would say it is a good haircut for somebody who spends most of her time at home (with aching teeth, gah!) or with doctors.

As for the shattered dream… well, I went to my orthodontist for separators into my lower teeth, so I can get my lower braces on next thursday. The separators hurt a little as she forced them in, but that is mainly because my mouth is incredibly sensitive lately. Anyway, she checked up my teeth and palate and commented that half of my palate did not expand as well as the other, but they can correct it later with some sort of “braces” (I forgot how the thing was called). The bad part was the band around my last left molar is really somehow loose and looks like it might slide off one day. She told me we need to keep it on till the second half of January and told me that I should not bite at all. So back to mashed stuff. But… I have been told that we need to keep the RPE on only for 2 months after we stop turning it… which suddenly changed to 3+ months. I really hoped that I will get it off soon, because my teeth are really very sore and I am getting iritated gums and TMJ from the bad bite and the loose band. Well, nothing can be done I suppose. I will be a good girl. Gah.

And as for the thing I write: I got stuck. I have two great characters and strong storyline, but I am stuck with the settings and the events that happen in the first third, the introduction. I had one quite good idea, but as I say, it was quite good, not brilliant. I am working on another one now, playing the story over and over in my head, writing down notes and pieces of scenes. It seems to work somehow, so wish me luck.

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I was visiting my doctor today. She checked me up and we had a long talk about my close future. Obviously, she got papers from the hospital and they were really long detailed ones. We talked about the whole surgical plan and about my other 2 (actually maybe 3 :() planned surgeries.

I am currently jobless and in a way, I love it, because I do not have to hurry and overstrain myself at work, but I feel that I should be doing something for my career. There is so much I would like to archieve.

But going to an interview is not an option for me. I can not speak properly, I look horribly, not to mention I can not carry heavy things or overstrain myself. So I can not do a job I am qualified for, I can not do jobs that require manual work… and going to interviews for editor/writer position will be of no use, because honestly, noone finds a seriously lisping creature with a huge gap between her teeth and un-closable mouth a perfect colleague, lol. And then there is the pain – normally it is ok, but I am still having some bad moments. (But hey, I can at least breathe through my nose without problems! Hire me? Please? Pretty please?)

I am now on some sort of sick leave after the surgery, but my doctor told me, that I could have problems with the employment office where I am registered, if she leaves me at the sick leave too long. Honestly. Does it have any sense to take a job, if I am 100% sure I have to go to doctors every now and then? (My next visit is in 14 days, but when braced and starting the preparation for 2nd surgery, I will be there at least once a week which usually takes few hours) Not to mention I am sure I will be on sick leave again after the surgery. My health is a funny thing – I heal quite well, but I keep getting rare complications. Honestly, if I grew frog’s legs or rhino horn after my next surgery, I would not be surprised, lol.

So, my doctor things I should ask for a sort of disability pension until the surgeries are done. She says I am in such a state, that it should be possible. Honestly… I do not know. It definitively is an option that would make my life easier, but then… disability? Getting disabled after facial surgery, now that is rich. Anyway, I can not say I am not thinking about it. It would be nice to just go through the surgeries without any worries about job, getting back to work or getting scolded by the employment office for being on sick leave for too long. So… well, I might get legally disabled for a while – about a year.

Thanks to the Gackt surprise yesterday, I forgot to share what happened to me lately. I visited the hospital and an orthodontist had a look at my palate and teeth (my ortho was somewhere away, I think some congress) and said everything was ok. Even if the halves of my palate are uneven and there is a 2mm step-off in the middle. She says they will correct it by fixed braces. The band that looked like it was slipping off my last molar seems to be ok to her and she says there is no way of preventing it from cutting my cheek. Great. I will just help myself as I did before, gah. When I said that the step-off in the middle of palate hurts, she poked it. OUCH! Then she took this dental hook that they use to probe teeth for cavities with and… I got all pale and was prepared to bite her fingers off if she tries to poke the palate and the bone, but she did not in the end. Anyway, no help from them, gah. I am sure it is some sort of rare complication as usually… and that as usually, they will find out too late. For some reason, I am somehow resigning to it.ย  I am really tired of it to be honest.

I also had a nightmarish experience this Wednesday. I went to help gran to bring some apples from her friend’s garden. I would not normally try to overstrain myself like that, but I just could not let the old lady carry them. Anyway, when we went there, the woman’s dog was running behind the fence and barking. I asked the woman if she could lock him in his kennel just for a while, explaining that I am after surgery and if he jumped at me or something, I might have serious problems. Gran said he wont do anything to me, but I was decided to not get in until he is away. That is when it happened. The old lady went to lock him, but he ran away from her and as my gran was telling me to go in, she left the gate open. The dog, a huge yellow mix of Irish wolfhound and something just a little smaller, ran out of the garden and… it attacked me. I have no idea why, maybe it felt that I feared it. Anyway, I just managed to scream and turn to the fence quickly and the next moment I had a huge creature on my back, growling, barking and baring it’s teeth. He did not bite me, but I got some nasty scratches from his claws. The worst was, his weight knocked me against the fence and gate. Only thanks to good luck, I did not smash my face against it. When they caught him and dragged him away, I was so scared I was shaking all over and could not calm down for a while. I remember saying something about “Fucking bloodthirsty beast”, lol. The lady said that the dog never ever attacked anyone before like this. I guess it is just my damn bad luck then.

Anyway, in the end, I am whole and so is my jaw. Nothing really serious happened to me. The next time any dog will try to do something similar, I will bite him too. Oh, damn… wait… I can not bite him with my upper jaw like this… hmm… ok, next time I will drop my jaw and use it to slice his throat open then, lol. Now that would be scary.

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Ok, hello again everyone. As promised, I am going to share my surgery experience. The text below is made from fragments that I kept writing on paper during the last few days and rewrote today. Please, excuse the mistakes and typos. I will check the text when I feel better. Also I made some photos, but I will be able to upload them first when I come back home. They consist of mostly my room pics and pics of one swollen hamster – me.

Anyway, letโ€™s begin.

Thursday – The hospital entering day

I was nervous. The first thing I had to do was to visit my best friend and return her notes that I borrowed from her months ago, so she can graduate, lol. I also brought her a plush crab for good luck with her exams, which will take place when I will be in the hospital. She was ill, so we just talked for few minutes and then I took another bus to the hospital.

I came a little late (hey, I am INFP personality, that is my sacred right), but they did not mind. A nurse took my examinations and x-rays and let me subscribe ton of papers. Then I met a doctor who explained me all the details of the surgery, medication etc etc.

The problem arised, when my main surgeon came and it came out that they have to extract a totally healthy tooth because my dentist wished for it. My surgeon did not agree, I did neither so they argued quite a lot with my dentist. The result was that the tooth will be extracted during the surgery. (As I realised later, my surgeon changed his mind and did not do it, instead finding out a way how to reach the same result while keeping the tooth).

I was really stressed from the argues, hints that I must have known it from before because my dentist must have explained it and whatever.

In the end of it, I felt really bad. I felt like it was me who caused the mess.

Oh, I also realised I weight 60 Kg and measure 163 cm (though the nurse wrote down 165 so I wont feel midget-ish, lol). My plan is to go down to 55 Kg and keep it and I must say that being on liquid diet for few months sounds like the perfect chance for doing it ๐Ÿ˜‰

In hospital with Gackt

The night before my surgery was strangely calm. I was given Diazepam in the evening, so I would not stress myself and could sleep well but it merely put me into a strange thinking mood with totally relaxed body and clear mind. Felt like a meditation more than anything else.

It was silent in the hospital. The younger children were given tranquilizers, so they could sleep peacefully, especially because some of them had their surgeries in Thursday, the day before me.

There were 3 other patients in my room. One was a young girl about 10, who did not seem to like me at all, she was to be released on Friday and one 21 years old, who was also long after her surgery and should go home the next day as well. The third was freshly operated on girl who was about 17, and was in a deep sleep when I arrived to hospital. She just returned from her wisdom teeth removal, which seems to be the most common procedure performed here on teens and adults. They perform it under general anaesthesia with sewing and all.

I could see the nurse slip into the room carrying a flashlight and checking on her about twice an hour and giving her different medication in infusion bottles every few hours. I was pretending to be asleep when she was around, because I did not want to be given stronger sleeping pill – I knew I will be drugged heavily the next day, no need to add to it.

I was listening to Gackt’s music on my small MP3 player, letting his ballads from Seventh Night Unplugged and Love Letter CD’s wash over me and keep me company. When I think about it, these two CDs are almost perfect pre-surgery music – they are calming, deep, gentle. There is something in them that I can not grasp exactly, but that really helped me to not stress myself over the next day’s issues.

So I was there. Lying in a metal bed in the biggest hospital in Prague, surrounded by patients and nurses preparing mentally for the surgery that had to take place at 8:15 the next morning, while listening to Gackt’s deep voice. To be honest, the idea that something might get wrong and I might not wake up from my general anaesthesia crossed my mind few times, but I was decided and there was no way out of it. Strangely, I did not even fear it much.

I fell asleep around 1 or 2 am and woke up at about 4 am to Gackt’s song Oasis. My battery decided to die few minutes after in the middle of the song, but I was too tired to switch it, so I just put the MP3 player aside and fell asleep again. Without the music, falling asleep was a little harsher, because I started worrying a little. Anyway, I was too tired to panic anyway, so I managed to sleep till 5 am when the nurse woke me up for another Diazepam and 6 am for temperature check. I had 36 celsius, which is quite low, but then, I am a mutated vampire thingy anyway ๐Ÿ˜‰

I knew I will be in the surgery room in few hours, so I did not go asleep again as the other girls in my room did, but instead started preparing myself. I took a long hot shower, brushed my teeth several times using a lot of herbal toothpaste to prevent any possible post surgery infection, tied up my hair and such. I also sorted my things in my cabinet next to bed (just in case I thought) and then laid down with a book and was waiting for the nurse to come with premedication injections.

The surgery

She appeared at about 7:30 and I had to change to white surgery nightie called “angel” in our hospital – it is the coat like thing with naked back. If you ask me, it felt like loose straight jacket, lol. The nurse also bandaged my legs all the way up to my crotch to prevent possible thrombosis from the surgery. Then it was quick. I got two premedication injections, the doctors came to visit me and other patients and then told me it is time and asked me if I have some further questions or something, if I am afraid and such. I told them I am fine and know everything I need, so I was taken to the 6th floor (6,5 floors up) to a huge surgery room. They carried me from my bed to the operating table and I had to strip and was covered by a sterile green blanket thingy. They also fastened a belt around my waist and arms, so I would not fall down.

The worst part was about to come. Canylla’s and transfusion/infusion needles and monitoring. I have really thin veins that tend to rupture, so it took 5 or 6 very painful tries until they hit the right vein that let the needle stay in. They also needed to use the thinnest canylla they had, because anything else did not work. The canylla’s are located on my hand between the fingers and wrist and to be honest, it hurts quite a lot there, even if I am use to have blood taken from that. I was about to cry, when they repeated that my vein ripped again and they need to try again, but somebody held my hand and was caressing it and saying it will be fine. I have no idea who it was, I do not know even if it was male or female, but it felt nice and the last try worked. Before I could look at the person, I got my general anaesthesia and fell asleep.

Waking up

I woke up about 5 hours later in a new room. I got a single room right across the nursesโ€™ station, so if anything happened, they could come immediately. I was one of the heavier surgery patients, not really a wisdom tooth removal one who can go home in 2-3 days.

First things I realised were two thick canylla’s in each of my hand and infusion with something dripping into my vein. My head and jaws hurt like hell, I could not feel my upper teeth and felt like I was run over by an angry bull in heat. All I could taste was disinfection, flood in my mouth and my lips and that my lips were totally dry and sore.

It hurt so much I could not even cry, so I was just whining like a beaten puppy. I was also still heavily drugged, so I could not control myself too well. My nose was bleeding heavily and I was sure something must have gone terribly terribly wrong. I was told it was a minor surgery and no big deal and now….

Waking up again

Fortunately, I fell asleep very soon after the first real awakening and while I was taking the additional sleep, the strong painkillers did their work. I woke up to get another infusion of painkillers, then a shot to stop my bleeding and another against swelling. Then large bottle of antibiotics and then canylla cleaning and sealing something. I think they called it heparine closing. When the infusions stopped, I was feeling quite fine actually. Nothing hurt at all, except opening my mouth too much or trying to smile – if I stayed calm, I felt almost like I had no surgery. My nose was still bleeding (I think they used the right nostril for intubation, because it continued bleeding time to time for about 3 days). I was swollen and somewhat sore, but quite fine.

The first shock totally wore off and I realised I had 3 large incisions in my mouth instead of the planned one (or one and two tiny ones). That was the reason for the horrible first awakening. Due to my unusual condition (Crouzon Syndrome and almost cleft palate), they had to modify the approach during the surgery and also try if the Hyrax screw works and opened it the whole way to check if the teeth will match and all. So, my SARPE with Le Forte I was finished well.

Anyway, except for the painful canylla’s (damn my bad veins once more), I felt great compared to what I expected. I had almost no bruising and the only major thing that kept worrying me was the huge nosebleed (and yes, I did not want my pajama’s with teddy bears stained too, lol). My surgeon stopped by to check on me and said the nosebleed was expected and will stop soonish and if not, that I will get medication into my nose. I did not want that, so I kept using small soft tissues to drain the blood out of the nose and slowly it dried up and was starting only when I moved quickly or elevated my head too much.

I finished reading the book, went through dozens of infusions and was forced to drink at least 10 glasses of tea. That was the requirement or I would get some additional infusions which I did not want. I managed to drink 12 during the day, which paid off and unlike other patients, I had no fever the next day. Going to toilet was a holy quest, but I managed it alone, even if keeping close to the walls. My head was spinning and I could not sleep until 0:30 am, but since I was on a single room, the nurse let me read my book and just kept checking on me. I started reading a third book and was listening to Gackt, Loreena McKennit, October Project and a CD called Songs for the free birds. Most of it was Gackt. I just love his deep voice, especially when I am not feeling well.

Also immediately when I could, I asked for my phone and texted grandmother and my friends that I am still alive and that I am fine. I did not mention the bad first awakening, no reason to scare them and have them worried.

I got sponge biscuits to drip in tea and water-blended baby food apple thingy to eat for dinner. Drinking was ok before, but as I realised, eating was an ordeal. The apples made my palate and whole mouth sore after first few spoons. I ate just about half of it and then some of the water softened biscuits, but at least something. When I did, I stopped feeling sick and my stomach calmed down, so it was good for something.

As for funny moments, I happened to lie on my nurse bell two times and started the emergency call for sisters. I felt so stupid, especially when it happened the second time. But I also needed to have it close to me in case something really happened and I needed the nurse or doctor immediately.

Saturday

Saturday was uneventful. I am not allowed to blow my nose for 4 weeks, so I had to learn how to softly clean it using rolled tissues and such things. I had some hard time with the nosebleeds (and hiding it’s severity from my surgeon who wanted to check it properly = ouch!), but I managed it all somehow. Also sneezing would be really bad for me (one bad sneeze could rip my wound and stitches and keep me in hospital at least a week longer), so I had to learn how to prevent it.

(Oh, damn, nosebleed incoming. Let me stick tissues into my nostrils so we can continue… ok, good now. Hmm, for some reason, I can not stop thinking about Mr. Bean while I am walking around the hospital with huge white tissues in my nose ;))

Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. I could also eat a normal breakfast (well, if you call a very liquid puree or what it was a normal breakfast) and was allowed to have my right unused canylla removed. Actually it was the less painful one, but when the nurse tried to give me infusions through it, it was stinging like hell, so they decided they will remove it, so I wonโ€™t get vein inflammation.

The doctor checked my incisions and stitches (I was dead by fear as I expected something nasty and painful coming) and just praised me for doing well. My stitches and incisions were totally clean, no inflammation, healing and closing well and I had no fever. I had to start cleaning my teeth from that moment, which showed to be quite difficult, provided that I can not feel them, nor can I properly open my mouth. But I was (and still am) doing my best, using a mirror for reference. I also got chamomile extract for rinsing.

I could sleep well on Sunday. The only thing was that I had to wake up for infusions during the night, because my canylla seemed a little blocked and I had to hold my hand in a specific position to be able to get the medications without having to remove and attach the canylla once more (which would mean more tries in my case and I did not want that). Midnight infusion was the scariest one – the canylla got blocked totally, but a brave nurse pressed the infusion bag a little and cleaned it. Ouch! Very very very ouch! But it saved me from having the needle reattached, so bless her.

Oh, I almost forgot. My grandmother and my boyfriend came to visit me today, which was really sweet of them. My bf even brought me my notebook and games. How can one not love that guy? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Funny moments: When the nurse came at midnight, I almost jumped out of my bed saying: “Oh, it is morning already?! Oh my gosh, it is morning!” and she had to put me back to the bed and explain that I am just getting antibiotics and that the light is the lamp above me.

Post-op sarpe profile

Post-op sarpe

Canyla

Not much swelling yet

Right canyla removed

 

Sunday

Today. Well, what can I say? Well, my painkillers stopped being served. Ouch. I can feel the incisions, but I am getting pills, so it is not so bad. I feel the wound fully for the first time (except the first awakening) and it is sore and tense, but no big deal unless I smile, talk or eat. Oh, rinsing and tooth brushing is a little painful too, but bearable.

I got called for check and one of the doctors cleaned the wound and stitches using… well… peroxide. OUCH! Hurts. I was trying to be brave, but one of the nurses told the doctor I am not as fine as I say and that I asked for painkillers in the morning, hmmm…

If things go well, I can have my second canylla removed on Monday and finally take a proper shower and wash my hair.

Also I should have an appointment with a renomed plastic surgeon who is working with my main reconstructive surgeon very often and would not mind to give some advices for my second and third surgery in the future – which, if things go well, could be even blended in one.

Funny moments: People are starting to call me teddy-bear thanks to my super cute and very infantile pajama covered with yellow teddy bear pictures.

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Strange facts:

Strong antibiotics work for my acne. No new acne appeared, even if my face was violated in many horrible ways during the surgery and I really expected a huge breakout. I wish it stayed so clear and rosy. (Update from 1 month post op: The acne is back :()

You can get vein inflammation if you feel that your canylla hurts. Be careful about that and tell it to your doc if it happens.

If you are all swollen and fed hamster like looking and your bf comes in and says “oh, you look different, somehow better”, do not kill him. He probably just thinks you had something else done and wants to be nice, lol ๐Ÿ™‚

Pics:

 

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So, I got up at 6 am today and took buss from gran’s home to Prague. This weekend was really great. We were having some argues with my gran lately, mostly because she was nagging no matter what I did, which frustrated me a lot, but nothing like that happened this time. I think that the thing that helped the most was, that I took time and red a lot of articles and studies about old people and behaviour changes that come with old age. I learned how to avoid an argue and how to stop before she manages to stress me enough to snap. It works and I highly recomend reading sites about caring, especially advices for carers who have to manage caring and own life/daily job, to anyone, who could have similar problems.

Anyway, I made my last round around doctors today, getting my x-rays (oooh, my rib cage is sssooo pwetty!) and a spare asthma inhalator, just in case.

My blood tests are done, my examinations are done and summed up by my doctor, I have the x-rays , I have my CTs and teeth x-rays, the Hyrax is on. I am really hoping nothing gets wrong this time and the surgery will be performed as planned.

(Just a note: My teeth do not hurt at all anymore and I learned how to eat with the Hyrax. I can not eat anything hard though, because the metal bands are too close to my gums and if I chow anything harder, they will irritate the gums. Anyway, I magaged to eat a piece of chicken and enjoyed every second of it ;))

Now to the musing part.

Some of you (who red my posts on plastic surgery forums) , know, that I spent a lot of time thining about how I should look after my journey is at it’s end and fearing that I might end up with facial features that I might hate. As an abused child (yeah, I do not really want to talk about details much, ok? ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ), there are some facial features that I might have hard time to get used to – as they would bring bad memories every time I would see myself in the mirror.

A friend of mine once asked: “You love asia and your face is flat-ish anyway. Why do not ask your doctor to give you asian features?” She then explained that I might benefit from bigger high cheekbones, similar to what chinese or japanese women tend to have.

That was what triggered something in me. To be honest, if somebody asked me what beauty is, I would probably explain by showing them a picture of an asian person with lovely eyes, high cheekbones, full temples, full lips and nice small chin. All the traits I lack. I do not think I could manage something like that, still, that is where my perception of beauty lies. Silly, I know.

I never had the usual perception of beauty common to my friends. I never wanted to look like Spice girls clone, never wanted a tiny upturned nose (actually the thought scares me) or full round apple cheeks or whatever. But when I started to be interested in Japan and then lived there for a while, it just clicked. That was where my perception of beauty lied. In delicate harmonic faces – asian faces.

But then, how could I come to my doctor, who spends most of his time repairing really serious defects, to which are mine minor, and say “Hey, you know, how about asian cheekbones? Good idea, ne?” Damn, I do not even know if it is or isn’s a good idea, not to mention he would think that I am actually asking him to redo me to asian with the eyes and all.

Ok, I would love to have these features, but I can live without them just fine. The question is what all can I do with my face without going too far, looking silly or undergoing meaningless surgeries. I am used to look less than average and to be honest, almost anything will be improvement unless an accident happens (like accidentally dipping my head in a barel of acid, lol). Still, I would love to look more than just a little better and if I was able to plan these things, it would be great.

Anyway, if there was a machine that could just redo me to my liking, I would probably choose to look like someone similar to this person, even though he is male. (Damn, he looks 100% more feminine than me ;))

GacktGackt profile

Gackt

Or maybe I would just become a manga character look-alike. I wish it was so easy…

Zack profile

Crisis Core Zack

Aerith

Well, enough musing about such things. I need to pack my things and prepare for my stay in hospital, which should be about 5-7 days with the surgery on Friday morning (GMT time). This surgery will be the real start of my long run, so wish me luck.

Anyway, as an apology for my meaningless ranting, have a confused rabbid maid.

Rabbid maid

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